***This is the first part of a three-part article series: “Dan Blewett is a Pansy,” Andrew Sacks Is a Bigger Pansy,” and “Train For Sport, For Health, or For Humiliation” are parts I, II, and III, respectively. Enjoy.****

I have known Dan Blewett for longer than I care to remember, and I absolutely cannot believe that people actually listen to that hypocrite when he preaches to them about how to condition themselves to become finely tuned athletes. As I see it, Dan is the last person from whom to seek advice when trying to learn how to become a better athlete. Being a good athlete typically requires one to possess speed, strength, agility, power, and/or endurance. These are considered the four basic criteria of athleticism, and Dan possesses exactly zero of them. Simply put, he’s the most unathletic professional “athlete” I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m counting golfers, NASCAR drivers, croquet players, and competitive eaters among those ranks.

 John Daly runs a faster 40 than Dan Blewett. Backwards. And he’s more attractive to women.

It’s a complete and utter mystery to me how such an uncoordinated, slow-footed, weak man could ever be paid to play sports, so I’m assuming he must know a lot of people with a lot of pull in the baseball world. I’ve seen toddlers with better running mechanics than Dan Blewett. Hell, I’ve seen 2-legged dogs with better running mechanics than Dan Blewett. Observe:

(Skip to 0:50 to see this dog put Dan to shame)

I played college baseball with Dan for a year and a half, and while I was far from the best player on our team, I could always count on Dan to make me feel better about myself. Any time I started to feel like I was overmatched at a division 1 school, I would just watch Dan struggle through agility drills after practice. I knew that if this uncoordinated loser could make his way onto the mound in a D-1 baseball game, there was still hope for me. Seeing Dan stumble around the cones set up by our strength and conditioning coach was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in a training session, and I would always go home from these sessions without any more doubts or fears.

The only thing more dubious than Dan’s athletic credentials is his choice of clothing when he’s in public:

 ”Durr I’m Dan Blewett can I interest you in some personal training?”

Dan and I have had an absurd amount of contests in the past, athletic and otherwise, and I have bested him in nearly all of them. Here’s a list of some of these contests, and their winners:

(Spoiler Alert: I’m the winner of all of them)

Pull-up contest: Andrew

Push-up contest: Andrew

Throwing velocity contest: Tie (which is just shameful for a man who is paid to throw baseballs)

Hitting contest against 100 mph fastballs: Andrew

Blitz: The League showdown: Andrew

Vertical jump contest: Andrew (by a landslide)

Aberdeen Ironbirds physical challenge: Andrew

So, judging by the results of these contests, who would you say is the better athlete between the two of us?

That’s right.

It’s me.

Andrew Sacks.

Basically, I’m a better athlete than Dan in every measure of athleticism that exists. What’s even more embarrassing for Dan is that our vertical jump contest went down when I had a torn ACL, and I still outjumped him by a wide margin. Even when I’m crippled, I’m a better athlete than Dan.

Dan must be in a particularly delusional mood these days, because he recently texted me to let me know that he was going to be squatting 400 pounds, deadlifting 500 pounds, and jumping some unreasonable number of inches that I can’t remember, by Christmas. Now, I don’t really believe he’s going to reach these numbers, simply because he is, as I mentioned before, a terrible athlete. But watching Dan fail to meet his goals isn’t enough for me. I’m not only going to watch him fail, I’m going to embarrass him once again by turning this into a contest and then beating him in it. The first one to reach these goals wins. Or if neither of us reaches them, whoever is closest by Christmas will be crowned the winner.

To reiterate:

Andrew Sacks = champ

Dan Blewett = chump

The gloves are off. What say you, Dan?

 …besides “Please don’t embarrass me again, Andrew”

Read Dan’s Rebuttal here…