I arrived in Normal, Illinois on May 3rd for spring training for my first season of Independent professional baseball. I had pressure on me because I knew I had to perform well and outcompete a staff of more experienced pitchers, but I didn’t realize it would be maybe the two most stressful weeks of my life. Why was it so hard? Because I really, really, really didn’t want to go home, and it felt, at times, like certain things were out of my control.

Here’s how Independent ball works, and why it can be harder than affiliated ball to keep your job:

1. The coaches want to develop you into the best you can be, but their first goal is to win. This is because they aren’t affiliated with a MLB team, and so the team at hand is what pays the bills. If you can’t help them win, they have to find someone who will. You don’t get 2 years for them to try to make you into something – you get 3 weeks. Guys sometimes get released after throwing one bullpen or hitting one round of BP in camp (though my coaches gave us a really thorough chance to show what we had).
2. There’s tons of guys with experience, who have played at a higher level and gotten released, and they have priority for roster slots. Is this unfair? No. It’s life. If you want to break in you just have to be better than the guys who have been around.
3. The pool of players are all very good and very close in talent level. It often comes down to small things that separate players or their aforementioned track record.
4. New players are constantly looking for jobs. Our coaches said they got calls every day from guys who had gotten released, guys they knew were good. We picked up a pitcher 10 days into camp, and he is good, and he made the team. There is always someone out there looking to replace you.

So as I arrived in camp, amongst 17 other pitchers, nearly all of whom were taller than me, I felt like whatever talent I had would get lost in the sea of 90mph fastballs. It’s an awesome feeling to know that you have the better part of a dozen 90+ arms on your squad, except when you’re competing with them to stay on said squad. We let go of some good pitchers, and are left with a lot of really good pitchers. Having made it through, I feel great about our ability to shut other teams down.

But, the one piece of advice I had heard from all they guys who had been here before me was, “worry about yourself and do your thing. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you start picking the roster and worrying about how other guys are throwing.” It was good advice, and I tried my best to just keep focus on myself and do my best. In the end, that’s all anybody has, and even with hitters in the box, it’s just you competing to throw your pitch to the mitt. That was my goal, to keep that tunnel vision the whole way through.

But it’s not that easy. You wonder who has a spot locked up because they played affiliated ball last year, and who they like as starters and relievers, and what your role might be. And when you think about all these things, suddenly your future feels beyond your control. I fought to keep my future, mentally, in my own hands every single day.

I didn’t go out, thereby avoiding any bar fights or hangovers. I was in bed at 9 or 10 every night (not because I wanted to, but because when you have 9:30am practice and you’re that bored you just fall asleep). I watched 3 gory movies a day with Dennis, my host “Dad.”

I took care of my arm, and made sure I physically had what I needed every day for practice. When the team ran, I ran hard, because I really wanted to be there. I didn’t know what it would take, but I didn’t want to get beat out because of some controllable detail. I’ve never been good enough yet to take those little details for granted.

But I learned a lot, and thankfully didn’t get released in my first of hopefully many spring trainings. I executed in all of my chances on the mound, which is all I could ask of myself. In my career it had been a long road to get this opportunity, and I didn’t want to stumble at the finish line. While I can’t control what happens after the pitch leaves my hand, or whether those who evaluate me like the pitches I throw, I try to take care of everything else that falls within my power.

So having earned the right to stay, I took a deep breath, called a few people and shared some good news, and have turned my focus forward to Saturday. Making the team and earning the right to wear No.9 on gameday was the biggest accomplishment of my life so far, but now that’s in the past. I thought I would have this big rush of relief, but I don’t, and that’s because I have just as much work to do as before. It’s good to set goals like stepping stones – and now that I’ve planted my feet firmly on one, I’ve got to go out and pitch well to keep moving forward. Gotta give my team a chance to win every time I step on the hill.

No matter how far you get, it’s better to feel like you’ve accomplished nothing; You’ll never cease to be hungry. When it’s all said and done, then look back and be proud.